And now that I’ve been away so long due to all my hospitalizations, a lot of my followers are leaving me…:( Which i sorta expected. I need to post more :/
…It always seems the sicker I am, the more I post and look at triggering things, the more followers I get…idk if thats just me though.
No job. No school. Nothing going for me…How am I supposed to let go when this is the only way I can have even a tiny scrap of sense of control over my tumultuous messed up life…
Uhhmm…Yeah. Just got back from a full night in the ER. I think I slept about 30 minutes the whole way through.
AND I have a party to go to later today.
My own disorders smacked me across the face as if they were never gone, simply tossed aside and left somewhere hidden for me to find again for whenever I needed to feel a certain sense of release, of solace, or comfort. Whenever I felt anger, sadness, pain, guilt, fear, confusion and stress, Ed would simply toss me a life-ring and shout “HERE, Let me save you, just do as I say and you will feel SO much better and everything will be fine again…WHY can’t you just be like Miranda Kerr? Like Alessandra Ambrosio? Like all those gorgeous models that walk the runway and are beautiful and perfect…Why can’t you be THIN?! You are SUCH a fat, disgusting, worthless loser, and you NEED to start starving yourself more because you are FAT and therefore WORTHLESS and will never amount to ANYTHING in life unless you prove that you have enough control to starve yourself and finally be thin and beautiful and thin and perfect and WORTHY again…”….and before I knew it, I was back in a circuitous cycle. Binge, purge, starve, binge, purge, starve, don’t eat anything for 2 days, binge all day, purge all day, starve the rest of the night. The cycle is never endless…and every day I become more and more confused as to how I keep running back to something that is destroying my life and causing me so much pain. I feel guilt for not writing on my blog for SO long….I feel failure at going to college and taking a leave of absence after only TWO weeks because Ed wanted me to go home so I could binge and purge more….I feel STRENGTH and COURAGE in knowing that 2 days ago, I reached my low weight of 109 lbs. It’s absolutely….TORTURING. Now that I’ve had a taste of just how amazing, special, worthy, FINALLY deserving I feel after I’ve lost weight….I can’t let go. It’s too hard to let this pain go. I need this pain more than anything. It reminds me that I’m alive…that I’m living…and that I’m worthy of having everything everybody else needs and deserves out there. I’m not there yet, but I soon will be. THAT is my mantra. There is ALWAYS room for perfection.
I will never stop striving for perfection.
would want to chat with you!! I'm bulimic too and im 19
Asketh - nakedlife-blogverse
Aww, I’m 19 too! (just turned 19 haha…) Give me your email or screen name and we can chat! :)
On aim? Skype? facebook? I’m up for anything literally, I’m feeling kinda lonely :/ Send me a message and I’ll give you my screen name?
I do not know exactly where yet, but I am just walking. Placing one foot in front of the other, and repeating. I focus on this. I am happy, content, satisfied. I have no knowledge of where I am, what my physical appearance is like, what size my clothes are, what I am going to do the next day, who expects what from me, but all I can focus on is walking and the sunlight I for so long craved that simply resides dormant within every cell of my body. Usual thoughts enter my head, but I do not notice them because they are being simultaneously process and passed through my mind with no judgement. Instead, I focus on the love, the self-love, the warmth. Warmth that is made up of so many beautiful components, I failed to process it or what exactly it was, or where to find it at all. Now I realize it was simply overpowered by said usual thoughts that festered and grew stronger with every moment they lived on in the darkness. And now I could finally see. Once the usual thoughts were brought out into the light, that warm light, they rotted away and dried up in the sun. This complex and curious emotion that I did not even know existed before, I realize, is what it is like to experience peace with oneself.
And at long last, I will be at peace.
- The other day I sat in barnes and noble, writing whatever came to my mind without editing it or re-writing it at all. This is the result. I’d like to think it was a lot more positive than the things I used to write in my journal. :) This is…good? I think?
about not posting on here very frequently. I get SO many messages it does really get hard to reply to them all, especially those of you who want private answers! Also things have just been kinda hectic around here lately… :/
I do LOVE all of you guys SO much though. The amount of support and hope you’ve given me is just overwhelming, and sometimes I really don’t know what I’d do without you. :’) I mean that.
If any of you wants to add me on facebook, or AOL so we can talk, just send me a quick message and I’ll give you my URL! I really would love to talk with some of you some more :)
:) Have a beautiful day everyone
hey can you pleas give us an update/updates on your life:):)
Asketh - Anonymous
I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting so frequently lately. Things here have been kinda hectic :p Not that that’s an excuse or anything of course… :(
Um, just briefly, I got discharged from Renfrew a few weeks ago, and seeing as insurance here SUCKS and has already payed for so much, they refuse to pay for residential, which I was recommended for. So now instead I have therapy three times a week, and doctors appt.s just to weigh in :)
4, 5, 9! P.S. I am so proud of you! You inspire me so much <3 I hope each and every day brings you closer to the happiness you so very much deserve! xoxo
Asketh - perfectfrailty-deactivated20111
4. Last time I cried and why
5. Piercings I have
6. Favorite Band
7. Biggest turn off(s)
8. Fact about my sex life
9. Tattoos I want
4) Last time I cried - Oooohh let’s see….Today at Family therapy. I cried because I was….well in therapy with my parents and I was talking about super emotional stuff like how I thought they always favored my twin sister, how I felt guilty because I made them so worried, etc. I’m a huge emotional person actually, I cry a lot :p
5) Piercings I have - I have two piercings in each of my earlobes, and a nose piercing :)
9) Tattoos I want - Hmm…I’ve never really wanted a tattoo…mostly just because I’m scared of what I’ll think in like 20 years and because I HATE needles also haha - but if I was going to get something it would probably be something cute that I love, like hello kitty haha - probably on my ankle or wrist or something :p Not that I would ever get that because…Idk I’m too scared haha :P
Aww and thank you so much for the kind supportive words! You’re SO sweet and I cannot tell you how much your support means to me :) <3